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Virgin Brides & Unconsummated Marriages
The Concept of Consummation
Some traditional, conservative societies still puts a social expectation on newly married couples to “consummate” their marriage on their wedding night. Consummation in this sense requires that a man penetrate his wife through intercourse. It goes without saying that women with vaginismus are unable to fulfill this social or religious expectation and are therefore left feeling isolated, insufficient, and like they are not real women or good wives, because they remain “unconsummated”.
In many cultures, especially in very religious cultures both in the developed world and elsewhere, women are expected to remain virgins until their wedding night when they are expected or expect to instantly transform into Sex Goddesses.
We can guarantee you from personal experience that this will not happen! Sex, like everything else takes practice so while your first time should not be painful, it won't be what you see on TV, especially if you and your partner remain somewhat ignorant of all your parts, how they work, and what brings you pleasure.
New brides, vaginismic or not, should take it slow. If you enter marriage having only kissed, going straight to intercourse the first day may be a bit fast. Why not draw out the anticipation and save intercourse for night two or week two (or even later)? And you know? You may decide to have a perfectly working marriage without having intercourse ever. That'd be fine to.. Who decided that just because a woman is in a relationship with a man, her body has to welcome him? There are many kinds of relationships, you shouldn't feel the pressure to fit in to the standard one..
You have the rest of your lives together and if you already enjoy each other's company, so what's the problem? And if you don't enjoy each other company? Why getting married ?
Hopefully you get married to spend the rest of your lives together or to be emotionally and soulfully connected forever, even if apart, and you can enjoy each other in a variety of ways, not merely to have sex.
Not respecting a bride's fears about sex on the first night and pressuring her to just let the man do everything and put up with it cause it's the supposed thing to do, can amount to rape.
So this is a very serious topic. Especially in countries where arranged marriages are unfortunately still the norm, a lot of wedding nights turn into marital rape or extreme shock. (You can read more on this issue in our article on Arranged Marriages and Vaginismus here.)
The social or unspoken rule that says consummation validates a marriage is very misleading. Marriages are validated by the love and understanding that’s shared. Thankfully no law in the most developed countries will make your marriage null and void only on the base of lack of intercourse.
There is a degree of confusion (and ignorance) about what some religions consider 'consummation' to mean. For example, for the Christian Catholic Church, a marriage is ALWAYS valid, no matter what, no matter whether or not there is penetration ever, so your marriage will be valid and consummated just by the fact that you two got married. Lack of penetration ONLY becomes an issue if one of spouse asks for an annulment/divorce, only then the lack of sexual intercourse or physical consummation is taken into the equation to evaluate pros and cons. But not on its own!
Unfortunately also in many developing countries the woman can be divorced for this reason (makes you wonder if the people equating marriage with a prostitution contract are right after all...) .
This is very sad, some equate being fully human and fully loved with having a full vagina.
It's more than sad.
It's a tragedy.
Now, what is there to consummate in a marriage but the time the two people dedicate to each other and their mutual support and understanding ?
If two old people decided to finally tie the knot after finding each other in their 70’s and weren’t physically able to have intercourse, why wouldn’t their marriage be valid or consummated?
Besides, consummation is also associated with “penetration”. Focusing on ‘intercourse’ as the only form of sex which validates a marriage, is doubly misleading: intercourse is not the only “valid” form of sex !
Two partners can be perfectly satisfied just cuddling, kissing, hugging or talking together, although that’s not the ideal that’s portrayed through the mass media, not every couple will need to have penetrative sex to feel they are close and intimate. Some may actually wonder if all this obsession with penetration hides a lack of true intimacy in the first place. You can have sex with your husband and still wonder if he cheats on you, or if he loves you; sex is not what will get you two closer if you are not close already, and if you are very close, then not being able to have intercourse will not be that big a deal at all.
Don’t allow society’s labels to define your marriage. Be careful about wanting to fulfill the expectations of what a wife is supposed to be and do..
Many women with vaginismus and couples who decide not to have intercourse for whatever other reason, have redefined these social constructs, leaving the feelings of deficiency and lowliness behind them. Their marriages are more than valid, just as fulfilled and certainly very much consummated.
We can just wish all 'unconsummated' women who are reading this to realize that life is more important to consummate and enjoy, than a vagina. And you can already do that, so you should go out and relish. You are alive, so you are consummating yourself already, body and mind, hopefully with love and passion.
If you aren't bursting with life already, then it's unlikely that 5 minutes of intercourse and 6 seconds of orgasm will give you that passion for life that you lack or that true love that you and your partner are missing.
Unfortunately a lot of couples don't quite care to find out if what they are sharing is love or something less noble, they just care to GET things. So penetration, consummation, a wedding, a child, these events all become just meaningless things to achieve so you can fit in and look normal, but there will be little love there. And that's the saddest thing.
It only breeds hypocrisy.
Anyway, if you really want to consummate your marriage and achieve penetration so as to feel 'normal' or accepted by your Church and partner, well, we can just direct you to the Dilating Guide for some practical advice, hoping that will be helpful.
But we hope both you and your partner will start challenging anyone using the word "consummation" from now on instead, and that you'll only start treating your vaginismus once you're already sure that the love you share with your partner is enough and that sex would just be a nice bonus but nothing that you would sacrifice too much of your time, energy and money to achieve, cause you'll know there are a lot of helpful things you can do if you have love and passion for life..
Intercourse won't give you Love and Passion for life. And remember that you can live without sex and you can have a great marriage without sex, but you can't have a great life or a great marriage without passion for life...
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