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YOUR STEP-BY-STEP DILATING GUIDE!
8. FINDING THE ELUSIVE OPENING
While some women with vaginismus may be able to use tampons, insert fingers, and/or have pelvic exams, other women may not be able to do any of these things. And that may not be due to feeling pain at insertion, but to the fact that you are not able to find your vaginal opening in the first place!
If this describes you, you may have wondered if you even have an opening there!
Well, if you have ever had your period, then there must be an opening. That’s where menstrual blood comes out of. But it can be tricky to understand why something as small as a finger or tampon won’t go inside.
Now, there are indeed some cases where a vagina has no opening. This happens when the hymen is imperforate but these cases are extremely rare. If after trying the next bunch of advice and taking your time, you should still find it impossible to find a way in, then you may want to consider seeing a gynaecologist about your hymen. But first, check out the section on hymenectomies.
So first of all, try this little experiment to help you understand why there doesn’t seem to be an opening. Make a very tight first. Now try and shove a finger or a zucchini into the small crack between your thumb and forefinger.
Ouch… !
The vagina of a woman with vaginismus is not a vagina without an opening, but one that at some stage learnt that inserting things there hurt. So your vagina tries to protect you by clamping shut and that’s what makes it feel as if there’s no space to enter or that there is a brick wall blocking the way.
If you have trouble finding the opening, and are unable to use tampons, then the smallest dilators of most sets sold online or provided by doctors and therapists may be too large for you. Again, remember the clenched fist!
One good source of information for me to understand about this secret passage better was the pages you too can read in the-clitoris.com website.
Just be warned though: there are very graphic pictures of vulvas and of "open openings" (but not pornographic) , so please check out their Locating Your Vagina and Reveal the Hidden Passage pages here, if you feel ready for it. It can be very helpful.
Then you may want to start poking there with something as small as a q-tip (cotton-bud) or with your tiniest finger, or you can peel a zucchini until it’s as small as you wish. Just make sure that whatever you choose is soft, clean, and well, LUBED!! (And be sure to put a condom over vegetables!)
The-clitoris.com website calls this first approach 'finding the path of least resistance' and we agree. This is how one of us explained in a support group how she felt about her very firs attempts at insertions (with the tip of a finger):
"That's how I felt like back then: like sometimes it (the opening) just wasn't
there or that it was hidden behind layers of something which i
wasn't too sure i could remove, so what I did was just laying the tip of my finger there for a
while, sometimes for a long while, just resting very near the
entrance... and then somehow, by breathing more and more deeply, i
could feel my finger getting sucked in somehow...
what a weird sensation.
i still remember how it amazed me to see that a part of my body seemed able to do that motion...
i was in awe! :)
So, you too can start just by gently positioning your finger or the smallest dilator near the entrance of your vagina and just leave it there. Don’t try to push it in at this stage. Just remain still, breathe deeply, and let your vagina get used to it. Then try to get aroused if you can, see what works for you.. If you stay in that position long enough, the natural pressure of your hand may actually cause the finger to slowly enter softly, as your vagina gets wet, opens up and your muscles relax.
If that shouldn’t happen though, don’t despair. After a while, you can consciously start pushing a little bit, very gently, and fish around for the opening. Change the angle or the position if you still can’t seem to find it. Take a break. You will find it.
THIS IS ACTUALLY THE BIGGEST STEP.. It will take some time and patience, but if you take your time here, then the biggest dilators may actually be quite easy compared to this stage.
You are proving to your vagina that something can enter her without pain and once she has accepted that, it will be much easier to convince her that she can accept even bigger dilators or a penis.
At the end of the process, the muscles around your vagina will have stopped clamping so hard and will feel overall more relaxed, 'loose' and open.
Like this... :)
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