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Men's main reactions to Vaginismus
From the experience recounted by hundreds of women we talked to, there are basically only two ways a boyfriend/husband will react to your vaginismus. See if you can identify what type your partner is, you may be surprised to see you are not the only one dealing with such negative reactions or, as we hope, you may feel horrified at reading that there are type A partners and you will feel blessed for having a partner of the B Type.
If you are stuck with a Type A partner, we know it must be a very tough situation for you and we will try and give you some advice at the end of this section..
If you wonder whether Type B boyfriends even exist... they do, they do.. And every woman deserves one. Yes, you too...
| Type A | Type B |
|---|---|
| Partners focusing on themselves | Partners focusing on you |
| He may:
-pressure you to do whatever it takes to solve this -abuse you verbally/physically/sexually -not stop when you say it hurts (and that is rape) -tell you it's all in your head and other mean untrue things -sulk to show you they feel sexually rejected by you and that it hurts -leave you/divorce you to go look for someone sexually 'experienced' -slowly detach emotionally from you while still being with you -find a lover/cheat on you/ go to prostitutes/ watch porn -threaten you to do any of the above -say he has a right to sex and justify his use of porn/prostitute etc -give you deadlines (either you solve this by... or I'm out of here) -become your personal coach and tell you when and how to dilate - not allow you to dilate or use lube and just tell you it’s all psychological -pressure you to try intercourse when you're not ready or despite the pain - tell his friends/family about what you have and complain -bring up vaginismus at each fight, to win his argument -use vag. as an excuse to make you feel guilty about anything else -tell you that no man would put up with a sexless relationship/marriage and that he’s been even too patient -believe that it was your ex-partner’s lack of skill but that you’ll be able to have sex with him no problem - pressure you to have anal sex or oral sex to make up for your limitations ... |
He will:
-really listen to how you feel about this and what it is -find out or read and share information about vaginismus -support you in whatever you feel you need to solve it (go with you to gyno's appointments, help you dilate etc.) -tell you that there's more to sex and intimacy than intercourse -remind you that you're worthy of love as a person, regardless of your ability to 'perform' ( just like he's worthy of love regardless of his ability to make money, have a big car, or 'perform' sexually too) -never pressure you into something sexual if it's clear you don't feel like it -stop anytime you tell him to during sex or dilating -be very gentle and kind, generally, naturally -learn about spiritual love-making and outercourse and oral sex - not show any frustration or petty ego-driven negative attitudes about your vaginismus - see vaginismus as something positive cause it means your vagina is not easily fooled by anyone trying to get into your pants - not focus your lives on sex but help you shine in all other aspects of your life - make you feel so good about yourself that you even forget what is all the big deal about sex in the first place |
For Women with abusive partners
Should I stay or should I go?
Some men do switch from type A into type B partners in time. Thankfully some men will open their heart and mind to see the beauty and value of a human being beyond her sexual components or her gender role. It can take time though, but that’s your partner's greatest challenge: to heal from his MINDISMUS or closed mind and heart. A VERY serious condition.. but there's hope.
Unfortunately though, some men just won't ever move to a type B kind of partner and that's a fact you may have to face and take serious decisions about.
Obviously the only sane solution WOULD be that of leaving such a negative person.
There is really no question about it, love does not make people suffer so badly, so there is a chance that you may stick with him out of addiction, dependency, lust, sheer need etc. but not love.
BUT we know that leaving an abusive or hurtful partner is NOT the easy thing to do. Right now you may not even want to consider the idea of leaving him, it is too painful or there are just too many other problems:
You may lack money, parental support, you may have little children with him and he may be a good father (although being bad to you does NOT make him a good father), you may be pregnant or unhealthy, you may not own much of your own or you may 'love' him and hope your love will change him..
So if you decide to stay in a situation of domestic violence or with these type of unsympathetic partners, just please remember there are places that can help you, especially if you live in developed countries. So become aware of these organizations in your area, if worse comes to worse.
Usually there could be organizations in your area giving you information regarding:
- Shelters for abused women
- Financial help for single mothers
- Reach out services coming straight to your house
- Support groups for women in abusive situations
- Help lines to just chat about your problems to other women and feel understood and be given support or legal help about divorce or violence issues
- Apply for a restraining order if your partner becomes violent to you or to the children
We cannot provide you with numbers here, given the many different nations or areas you could read this from, but just as an example of what one of these organizations could do for you if you contact them, we are leaving you the website of a very active and useful one, in Melbourne, Australia.
Their website is full of much of the information they give out on the phone, like handouts and material you can read while you make up your mind about whether to stay or leave such relationships so you can make an informed decision.
So if you are in Victoria, Australia, we suggest you contact them by phone too, otherwise, just check their website and then see if anything similar is available in your area. You may be surprised...
We can guess that right now you may just need to receive help and may not have the energy to give, but if similar organizations didn't exist in your area and you and other women wanted to open one, that would be a terrific idea of course...
Just a thought.. All the best
WIRE (Women's Information and Referral Exchange)at www.wire.com.au
You can find all their Informative Sheets about Separation, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Counselling, Depression, Sexual Assault and more here
WIRE Women's Information InforSheets
See their handout on Leaving a Relationship for instance.
Specific data and contact numbers will obviously only be particularly relevant for women in Victoria, however, the info. sheets are full of food for thought and practical ideas that may give you some inspiration in your search for the best decision for you (and/or your children).
Reach out...
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