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PORN & VAGINISMUS:
facts, not opinions
Porn is quite a controversial issue so
the next paragraphs are not about judging whether porn is bad or good but rather analyzing its implications in relation to vaginismus.
If porn works for you and your partner, if you agree about watching it and you think no one is getting harmed by your use of it, then fine. Go ahead using it, you can skip reading the rest of the article.
But there are facts about porn that are often ignored instead and they have bad consequences for a woman with vaginismus.
In the next paragraphs we decided to show some of the possible negatives consequences that watching porn can have and DID have for many women with vaginismus. Some of these issues come from real stories, so the suffering we describe happened and this page wants to try and prevent more from happening.
So, we won't argue about whether porn has a positive side, we are just warning against its ugly side, we decided to share facts that everyone should become more aware of in order to make "an informed decision" before using porn when in a relationship with a woman with vaginismus.
Porn and Vaginismus: the link
Women who suffer from vaginismus seem the opposite of women who appear in pornographic films.
Nevertheless porn and vaginismus can be related sometimes: some women can develop in fact vaginismus as a reaction of defense against the brutality and fake sexuality they witnessed in pornography.
I still remember being a young girl and how an older cousin exposed me to some pornographic material without my consent. He was telling me that all women are nothing but holes and that whether they liked it or not, if they were alone with a man, they would have to 'give it up'. He was laughing about it, I guess he felt like "a man", talking that way to a younger innocent girl.
But you bet it was a huge shock for me of course, this complete lack of sensitivity and heart towards a young human being, and I am sure it made my vagina clamp down right there and then..
So pornographic material that's gross and very graphic or violent can indeed cause a defensive reaction in women's body, which is what researchers found out when they compared women with vaginismus and women without vaginismus in front of some scary stimuli and found that BOTH groups of women's vagina would clamp down..
We know that some men can begin to use pornographic material because their partner has vaginismus and they feel frustrated sexually and looking for outlets... They may say: "I can't have sex and now you're telling me I can't even have porn at least??"..
The problem is that their/your use of porn can then create ugly vicious circles in a couple: The woman with vaginismus who find out her partner uses porn can close her body even more; and a man can close his heart more in the safe fake world of porn, the more he feels rejected sexually..
But this is the least that can happen. Other consequences are a lot nastier for both partners. Here we'll show some, taken from real examples that we have unfortunately got to know or have lived on our own skin.
Then it is up to you to decide what to do about this. But at least you will know clearly that at least for one of you, perhaps porn is not that inoffensive harmless fun that the sex industry tries so hard to sell... It can be very damaging instead.
1. Your use of porn doesn’t equal cheating on her, but if you had told her you don't use porn, then it IS a betrayal...
Let's start from some facts.
The men who use the porn are not a race of Martians. They come from every type of social class, can be found in every type of relationship (married, single, with sons, without sons), of every age, race and also religion... Therefore even if many women are deceived into thinking that THEIR partner is among those few who do not use porn, chances are that unfortunately they are instead.
If women fool themselves so much it's usually also because men keep hiding the fact that they do watch it.
Especially if you told her that you don’t use porn or that you don’t buy that stuff (as boys generally do), it can be quite shocking for a woman to find porn on her partner’s computer or a stack of magazines hidden somewhere in his room. If you watch porn and plan to keep watching it, make it clear to her. Have the courage of standing up for what you evidently believe in doing.
But if you told her you don’t watch it, then don’t. If she finds out, (and women tend to find out stuff), she can feel betrayed and lose trust in you. It’s the deception that will upset her. It will be a promise you’ve broken, a pact you didn’t keep and she’ll start wondering how many more things you lie to her about. It is a very serious issue and you may lose her over something like that. Think about whether it’s worth it…
2. Your use of porn can cause her a drop in her self-esteem and body-image satisfaction
Have you ever looked at women in porn and noticed how different they are from every-day girls you work or live with ? Very often women in pornographic movies will be slim, yet curvy, they will have narrow waists yet big boobs and of course flat bellies, perfect teeth, long blond hair and they will be accurately shaved or waxed pretty much everywhere. Now, if your partner should see what you are evidently enjoying watching, she may and will think that her body is not good enough for you and since the types of bodies porn actresses have cannot be maintained without a lot of money and time spent on them, your partner can feel extremely depressed knowing she’ll never feel that way in bed with you, and knowing you WILL compare…
3. Watching porn can be considered an educational tool to help her understand that vaginas are elastic
You and even she may think that watching porn could be educational. It's understandable.
Porn movies can in fact show a woman that vaginas can in fact stretch and comfortably accommodate penises of most dimensions easily and you may think that this can help her relax about it.
That's fine but it's certainly the easy way of doing that.
Some women get very traumatized by watching porn instead so be aware of that too.
If you want to help your partner understand that her vagina can indeed allow a penis in without pain, there are certainly other alternatives to porn.
Watching a video of a woman giving birth would certainly do the job, for instance...
Or you can help her with some dilating exercises, she can practice with her fingers and move on to gradually bigger dilators or if she wants to get in touch with her sexuality, you can explore her body together with her through Sensate Focus exercises or by letting her explore your body too, without pressures or comparisons for both of you..
5. The porn you watch could be illegal
Some women will trust that you will get your porn from reputable places and that you won’t be watching ‘dodgey’ or illegal stuff and indeed there are dealers that some can trust to carry reputable titles (such as woman-owned feminist sex store Good Vibrations in the US). But in other countries or when it's online porn you're viewing, it would be hard for both of you to be 100% sure that the producers have not used underage girls, abused girls, girls with serious mental or physical health problems, non-consenting women or that it didn't put someone's life at serious risk.
Jobs in the porn and prostitution 'industry' ARE the jobs with the highest health risks for a woman. There is no other job as risky as having sex without a condom with many men, both mentally and physically...The rate of depression, alcohol and drug abuse in that industry is one of the highest.
Again, those are facts.
So even if your girlfriend may feel ok as long as you don’t satisfy your perversions on her or on another woman, you may be actually contributing to the sexual abuse of someone right now. A someone who in other circumstances could be your little sister, your girlfriend, your daughter. So think about it, remember that unless you watch cartoon porn, they are real women you are watching risking their health to give you a moment’s cheap thrill..
If you think your pleasure is worth trampling over someone else’s potential or real suffering, then porn makers are lucky and they’ll keep making money and women everywhere will keep paying for your choice and all men will pay too in the long run. We’re not a separate species.
6. Porn can cause addiction and violent behaviour
It is a fact that you may develop an addiction to watching porn and then it can turn into an even more serious problem for you, so if you already have some symptoms of that, you may want to use some help-lines or join some support group or talk about it with your partner or a therapist before it’s too late.Also, some men watch porn while drinking a couple of beers and then get sexually abusive. We heard pretty awful stories about that nasty combination, where men got into a “I-want-sex-regardless-of-you-hurting” mood, and got very insensitive to how their partner felt. We know women who went through such abuses, who got suicidal after such brutal attacks from their drunk husbands..
These things happen and must be recognized.. However, when men who watch porn abuse their wives or girlfriends, the men should be blamed, not their viewing habits, so you can't get away just blaming porn. You have control over your actions. Other men watch porn and don't get abusive.
So if you use porn, it's YOUR duty to use it responsibly.
If you don't use it responsibly, you can get help if you recognize that you have a delicate human being in front of you and not a doll. But no amount of therapy will help you unless you first grab that concept...
She's human.. Humans are delicate....
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