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Soulful sex, Outercourse &
Sensate Focus Exercises
1. Soulful Love-making, Tantra and Sexual Energy
"Sex is the union of Energy and Consciousness"
"He worshipped her sexual organ;
Therefore a woman's vulva should be worshipped.
He stretched forth from himself, for pressing her nectar.
Her lap is the sacrificial altar;
Her hair, the sacrificial grass;
Her skin the soma press;
The labia of her vulva, the fire in the middle.
. . . . . . . . .
Many mortals go forth from this world without merit,
Namely, those who practice sexual union without knowing this.
Brhadaranyaka Upanisad 6.4.1-4
There is basically only one profound difference between looking at sex from a spiritual or "Eastern" point of view and looking at it from the more practical point of view we're most used to in the West, and that is the the perception of WOMEN.
Usually in the West, and in monotheistic religions, a woman will be seen in a dualistic form, as either a sexual object, a sinner, a man temptress, a pleasure giver or as perfectly pure, saintly, virginal and asexual.
A more spiritual, Eastern view instead sees women and women's bodies as centres of amazing powerful energy, both creative and destructive; women are seen mystical teachers for men, vital energy givers and owners of sacred spaces which don't exist to be filled or to make babies, but to be honoured as Goddess-like places through which a man can acquire a deeper sense of his existence and achieve profound consciousness.
It's clear that such spiritual view of women is fast eroding in our societies, Eastern and Western alike.. Yet one thing that helps some couples not see vaginismus as a problem and that helps them stay profoundly connected and intimate, is having this view of each other as delicate, spiritual beings not there to provide each other pleasure, but to teach each other something higher and beautiful about life as human beings on this Earth..
Don't worry, you don't have to be religious in order to see your partner that way. Most religions codified some of these beautiful ideas but turned them into specific laws, rules on people's behaviours, judgements, with punishment and rewards. But spirituality can exist only in full freedom, away from fear and expectations.
Especially if you are a man, you would understand pretty fast how by switching your views of women into a more holistic spiritual ones, then most of your daily worries regarding lack of intercourse would look like petty preoccupations..
Worries and frustrations about vaginismus could no longer have place cause you'd see there is so much more to sex than intercourse and so much more to loving than sex and so much more to your wife than her sexuality.
Anyway, this is kind of another journey on its own, one that you may not feel like starting right now, or if you are reading this, it may be that you were looking for some higher meaning for sexuality, or some deeper connection with life and with your partner.
The following list is not a reference to websites describing Eastern sexual techniques such as controlled intercourse (Karezza, Sacred Sex, Tantric Sex etc.).
There is PLENTY of that information everywhere else on the Internet, (just click on Karezza above for instance) so we chose some special websites or books that don't focus on techniques or on intercourse but we hope they will help you look at your sexual energy as a creative force, that not necessarily has to be used in sexual ways but used to feel full of life and creative, passionate and loving..
This is probably the most important concept to grasp, to stop all the suffering linked with vaginismus...
Share this reading with your partner, more men (and women) than you think actually long for something spiritual and meaningful to take their hearts and minds away from the shallowness and brutality of everyday's life.
Use those readings to reconnect you, as a form of foreplay, or to help you turn sex into love-making...
There are many treasures strewn in those pages...We hope you'll find some...
BELOVEDS IN BED, 201 SECRETS OF SOULFUL INTIMACY by Mackenzie Jordan.
Daniel Odier - 1996- Tantric Quest
THE HEALING OF THE TEMPLE DOOR Ritual, by Melissa Pinol.
What is the key to people’s hearts? (Understanding)
from: SNOW IN THE SUMMER: Chapter 7:
Buddhist Reflections on Friendship, Relationships and Loving-kindness
You can find them in PDF format here: http://www.buddhanet.net/pdf_file/jotleeds.pdf
Or you can read it directly here: http://www.buddhanet.net/friend.htm
Women who run with the Wolvesby Clarissa Pinkola Estes
- Chapter 5: The story of the Skeleton Woman
"Now how am I going to find out what this flame is which we call love - not how to express it to another but what it means in itself? I will first reject what the church, what society, what my parents and friends, what every person and every book has said about it because I want to find out for myself what it is."
From J. Krishnamurti on Love, at
www.katinkahesselink.net/kr/love.html
2. Outercourse
OUTERCOURSE is a relatively new word and there are a couple of definitions for it.
1.Some describe outercourse as every sexual position that allows the same friction, thrusting and orgasm (at least male orgasm...) as intercourse, but which does not involve the vagina.
Puzzled ?
As an example, women with vaginismus could have sex with their husbands for many years by letting him rub his penis between their thighs (or breasts or bum).
Basically, it's considered outercourse when the man makes the same motions as intercourse...
2. Now, other people consider outercourse any sexual activity, intercourse aside, which makes one or both partners get to orgasm, so here oral sex would also be considered 'outercourse' but not for the ones conceptualizing it in the first way.
3. A third category of people tends to describe outercourse as anything sexual or also sensual that involves two naked bodies and gives pleasurable emotions, intercourse aside, so for these people, foreplay would also be defined as 'outercourse'.
Now, we don't particularly feel the need to choose a definition, we think you can pick the one you feel is right for you. It's no big deal. The point is that there are a LOT of sexual things you can do with your partner without penetration and that can give both of you pleasure or that can even make the man feel like he's having intercourse, without the need to put up with pain if you have vaginismus or dyspareunia.
Unfortunately intercourse is sometimes seen as the main course of sex, or even the only real course, and that's quite narrow-minded and WE know it well...
In fact, we feel like suggesting to you a really good book which deals almost exclusively with Outercourse "techniques", which obviously subscribes to the broader meaning of the word:
BELOVEDS IN BED, 201 SECRETS OF SOULFUL INTIMACY by Mackenzie Jordan.
This book can help men release their performance anxiety a lot and it can help women feel that their 'lotus flower' is being honoured.
It's very powerful, and sweet.
So, if you can't have intercourse, remember that you can still have sexual magic... Don't underestimate the possibility of the rest of your body to be sexual.
Enjoy your beloved...
:)
3. Sensate Focus Exercises
There are tons of information on Sensate Focus exercise by now over the Internet and some scientific studies linking their use to healing from vaginismus.
We summed up the best ideas from the following sources and also from our experiences as nurse students and physical therapist patients, and related them to vaginismus for you, but feel free to look at other sources or buy books on this techique.
SCIENTIFIC STUDIES LINKING SENSATE FOCUS EXERCISES AND VAGINISMUS THERAPY :
Zussman, L. & Zussman, S. (1976). Clinical management of sexual disorders (J. K. Meyer, Ed.) Baltimore: The Williams and Wilkins Company
Van Lankveld, Jacques J. D. M. 1,4; ter Kuile, Moniek M. 2; de Groot, H Ellen 2; Melles, Reinhilde 3; Nefs, Janneke 2; Zandbergen, Maartje 3 Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Women With Lifelong Vaginismus: A Randomized Waiting-List Controlled Trial of Efficacy. Journal of Consulting & Clinical Psychology. 74(1):168-178, February 2006.
Crowley, Tessa MBBS 1; Richardson, Daniel BSc MRCP 2; Goldmeier, David MD FRCP 2; on behalf of the BASHH Special Interest Group for Sexual Dysfunction Recommendations for the management of vaginismus: BASHH Special Interest Group for Sexual Dysfunction. International Journal of STD & AIDS. 17(1):14-18, January 2006.
USEFUL WEBSITES ON SENSATE FOCUS TECHNIQUES:
http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/sexpedia/sensate.html
http://www.personalmd.com/healthtopics/crs/touch.shtml
http://www.med.umich.edu/1libr/wha/wha_touch_bha.htm
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/sex_and_sexual_health/exercise_sensate.shtml
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sensate_focus
Sensate Focus exercises have been used since at least the 60's in a variety of ways so feel-free to experiment and make them your own.
These exercises can help you transition to intercourse, or steps 1-3 can be used at anytime to help maintain or reignite physical intimacy.
If you have vaginismus you may have found that you are anxious when it comes to any sort of physical intimacy with your partner. For some people this anxiety came before the vaginismus and may have been part of the cause. For others, they had no anxiety before but repeated painful attempts at intercourse have led to anxiety.
Regardless of the origins of this anxiety, sensate focus exercises can help you relax with your partner. They can also help you find new forms of physical intimacy that you and your partner can enjoy. Some studies show that sensate focus exercises are an effective way to treat vaginismus. They are usually done in conjunction with dilating or in conjunction with psychotherapy.
(If these exercises make you more anxious, you might want to skip them and focus on cultivating a good cuddling or kissing connection instead.)
While you go through these steps, focus on your response to touching and being touched. What are you experiencing? Why? What parts make you anxious? What parts do you like being touched? What makes you less anxious?? How do you want to feel? How do you feel about your body? .
After thinking through these questions, try to enjoy the rest of the experience and focus on enjoying your body and your partner’s body. One author explains the exercises this way, it should be a sensual, not sexual experience. Use the time to enjoy touching and being touched but the goal is not to be aroused or have intercourse
Step 1: Take Turns Touching… no genitals!
Begin by choosing who will go first. The first person closes her eyes and her partner touches her all over her body, EXCEPT her breasts and vulva. The goal is to let the touching partner explore the body and become physically aware of it. Then switch.
Even if you become aroused, you may NOT progress to intercourse. The point is not to be aroused. It is just to be aware of each other and enjoy each other’s warmth and softness. The toucher does not try to arouse the touched, only to explore the body in ways that are interesting to the toucher. Try not to talk unless something is making you uncomfortable.
Spice it up tip: Try using a blindfold on the touched, toucher or both.
Spice it up tip: Toucher, try using a cloth, feather, and various parts of your hands to touch your partner.
Step 2: Take Turns Touching… All over!
After you have become comfortable with step 1 (this may be hours or weeks or months later) repeat step 1 but this time there are no limits. You can touch each others genitals, but no intercourse Some couples will choose to bring the other person to orgasm, but it is probably best to keep this off limits so that you do not feel any pressure to feel aroused or "perform." Remember, the goal is sensual experience and education, not orgasm. While you should still try not to talk, the partner being touched can guide the hand of the one doing the touching if she wishes. Again, just enjoy each other!
Step 3: Mutual Touching
Now you get to touch each other, but please, no intercourse! (This is of course especially true if you are still at the stage of having painful intercourse. See the Golden Rule!!)
Step 4: Oh, yeah…
Step 4 is where you get to keep exploring and try whatever you want. If you are at the point of transitioning to intercourse, feel free to have intercourse. Once again, never forget the Golden Rule: don't let your vagina experience pain!
Enjoy :)
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