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A partner's honest reflections on
vaginismus, sex, love and dilating
We thought we'd share with you an interview we've done with the partner of a woman with vaginismus who kindly accepted to share his reflections on some aspects of vaginismus with us, hoping they'll inspire you or help you..
We divided it into sections, so just click on the title that inspires you.
You are warned though! It may not be what you expect to hear, but be assured: this guy is one of you, a perfectly regular chap you probably drink a beer with every Friday night at the pub. He's no hippy, gay, impotent or anything unusual, he just thinks and feels deeply and likes to challenge dominant discourses and language we are so used to take for granted. That's all.. We hope some of you will too..
1. What's sex got to do with it?
Even in a very recent article on vaginismus appeared in the Malaysian national news agency, vag. is still described as "a troubling social malaise as it breaks up marriages if couples do not seek proper counselling".
Now, you are currently in a long-term relationship with a woman who suffered from vaginismus and you say that vaginismus or lack of penetrative sex has never been a problem at all for you in your relationship, so why do you think so many therapists, women and men find having to deal with vaginismus so devastating instead ?
To me all that talk is a sick joke but it’s taken very serioulsy, from doctors and academics too, but to me it’s a thin veil for people's savage behaviour which would be very easy to translate into plain English, but it'd mean getting rude and brutal..
To me vaginismus is a very simple problem: it means the woman cannot have sex at the moment.
But sometimes that moment lasts for years..
Yes, but a moment is a moment, right now there is no sex, that is very simple.I mean, it is a very risky assumption by doctors and therapists to say that the relationship the woman is in should be sexual. Just because there is a man doesn't mean that her body should welcome him.. Or welcome him on a regular basis etc..
See, it's all ridiculous that people say you have to have sex. It's just silly yet it's considered totally fundamental, deadly serious.
The only deadly serious thing about sex is that it produces real children...and that the pressure around it makes people miserable..
From something so small comes a lot of pain and suffering... over nothing.
Yes, in the name of pleasure.. Yet the writers of the article above and other therapists imply (not that subtly) that without sex a couple is doomed because sex is the ultimate bond between them so lack of it will strain and break the relationship sooner or later.. So if it's not sex, what do you see as the ultimate bond in a couple?
Oh, I wouldn't even assume there is an ultimate bond in a couple... Maybe there isn't one at all..Sex is just like any other activity that you can share with your partner, like watching a sunset together, or a kiss, it all depends on whether you are fully there, present in that moment, or not. If you are, and there is love in you, then whatever you are doing will be 'bonding' you.. If you aren't, then it's just playing a game, an act.
Well, you'll agree that sex is a bit more pleasurable than watching a sunset together :)
On a pleasure scale, sure, sex is a sensate activity, which is fine, but it hasn't necessarily got anything to do with love.There is little difference between the intimacy of intercourse and the intimacy of a massage, or a kiss, even a letter, well, for me anyway.
If you are fully present and focused on what you're doing, there isn't any noticable difference between intercourse and a kiss, apart from the fact that people rank intercourse higher on the scale of acheivement..
A kiss can be perfectly enough to share intimacy and love, but people get bored and want more, which leads to sex, and for some they have to get more, so they get kinky or have affairs etc. and so on... in the search of IT, whatever IT is for them.
Then one day they can no longer have sex, or for one year or more, and other fundamental problems about human relationship then come along and explode it. It's too much effort to go into allthat, so it's easier to blame vag. than to understand what else was happening to them.
I think many people use sex and vaginismus as a scapegoat.
2. On vag. taking a toll and about men's complacency
In the past few years I've talked with many women who said they had no desire for intercourse or sometimes they'd say their partner was totally ok with their vaginismus too, not pressuring them at all etc. but many therapists or psychologists call these women "avoidant" and the men "complacent" and they basically make the women feel their marriage is at stake unless they fix this, or they scold the men for not being more 'aggressive', sexually...
According to them I guess you would be labelled complacent too.. What do you think about this ?
So, apart from being a clear sales strategy, they are saying that unless you change the person you are, even if you don't want to change, you are evil. That's the message, because you will harm your husband's mental health..
See, people actually quantify and worry about how much sex they get and compare that to how much they think they should get, and then there is a book or therapist that says, “If you are a happy couple who are free of all that, then just you wait a second, because you are creating a time bomb that will blow up in your face”..
It’s just insane...
So would you say that lack of sex does NOT take a toll on a relationship?
Oh, it does if you have THAT kind of relationship...And if you do, get out of it, and sort yourself out.. You have bigger problems than vag.
3. On how sex can be natural even with vaginismus
I know how you always stress the importance of having a free flow and for things to come naturally in a relationship, but one common complaint from men is that with a woman with vaginismus, sex lacks in spontaneity because of all the dilating exercises and careful positioning etc, so it is no longer something “natural”, and that often frustrates both men and women. So how can you say, as you do, that sex can be natural even with a partner with vaginismus?
Well, for "natural" I mean something that comes out of love. So, say you can't make love to someone without pain or a great deal of care and preparation. So I say that it's obvious that if there is love between you two then naturally all that will be taken care of. Whatever preparation you need then it isn't a problem of course, whatever help you want could not be a problem, do you see?I don't know if I can explain what I mean by natural, I mean it's something that you do, that doesn't come from motivation, isn't a "whats in it for me?" situation. So, to make love for you would naturally include all that is involved for you....whatever stretching and preparation is involved....however much care and gentleness...and if you can't do it on a specific occasion then you can't do it, no bid deal, and of course people can share a great deal of physical intimacy without intercourse...maybe even more!
So you can make a problem of it if you wish, but if there is love between people there isn't dissappointment or expectation...there isn't pressure, there isn't performance. There is understanding, there is listening, there is free communication...and things therefore are natural...
4. On the need to treat vaginismus
Something that worries me is reading how many therapists tell women not to dwell too much on the causes of their vaginismus and to start fixing it instead asap..
Look at this recent article about vaginismus in Malaysia and India for instance, where the prevalent attitude is that vaginismus "is a serious medical problem because couples live without having sex their entire life" and "this needs to be corrected". I mean, why all this doomsday talk and this pressure to cure women, when we know very well how high rates of marital rape are in India and the problem they have with overpopulation too ?
And then, why do you think that many of them say that vaginismus can only be treated by a professional when we know how successful home-kits, support groups and self-treatment are ?
I think doctors in fact are the ones who are getting away without being challenged enough..
I mean, maybe it's a bit "out there" but couldn't it be that some women with vaginismus have very intelligent bodies, protecting them from something that they consciously can't quite express, so in many cases vaginismus can be a way of telling the woman "hey, wait a minute, I'm not getting into THAT situation again!" (painful sex, abusive husband, another pregnancy, unwanted sex etc..). It's pretty clear that for some it can be a protective mechanism, right? and yet doctors are focused on getting rid of it.
Well, maybe because you can only talk to women's "conscious mind" and consciously many women see vag. as a huge problem and not as a protective tool so these doctors help them fix the problem.
Sure, but doctors should know better, and yet they start from the assumption that vaginismus is always a 'disorder', a 'dysfunction'. Why?I mean, the body has survived millions of years of evolution and the doctor says "hey i know better, take these dilator things and get on with it". How arrogant they are!
I agree.. In this website we challenge the word 'dysfunction' and from our experience sharing stories with many women, we see that many times vag. is a very functional protective mechanism indeed..
So we suggest that women look for what could have caused it , so they can address the real issues, and we suggest that they start curing this only when they feel that whether or not a treatment was successful, it would not be a tragedy in their relationship.
Yes... but most people aren't really ready for that, are they? They are all about results... And doctors and therapists offer shortcuts because people pay for shortcuts...
5. On dating single girls with vaginismus
I get very sad when I read how some single women with vaginismus feel hopeless and sad because they think they'll never find a boyfriend. Some even stop dating because they don't believe any man would want to be with them, knowing there'd be no sex involved. They feel they'd deprive him of something he has a right to experience.. So as a partner of a woman with vaginismus, who you met knowing very well what she had, would you care to reassure them that men like you do exist?
Right, well, honestly I don't even see the relevance of vaginismus in this situation.. I mean, these women are saying there is something missing in their life which should be filled by a man, so I'd question that for a start..They are focusing on a part of their life, hoping that if that part is fixed and works, everything else will be ok too.. That is an illusion..
And they seem to say that they aren't worth that much as people unless they have what most men seem to look for in a woman..
So I would be questioning all that rather than reassure them that there are men out there who long for a relationship with a remarkable woman, whether sex is in the picture or not...
6. On living next to a woman with vag: Coping with sexual frustration and rejection
Isn't it pretty frustrating to live around a girlfriend you are physically attracted to, without being able to have sex often or ever?
Yes, sometimes, and I guess for younger men probably more. But see, first of all it would be my problem not hers.. It's up to the man to deal with his frustration and not let it weigh on the woman. She has no duty to relieve my frustration and she should not be blamed, pressured or made to feel it's her problem..Then, what is sexual frustration really based on? See, it is just a phrase and it has built up value somehow, but what is it?
Frustration is an unfulfilled desire and you can add hormones into the equation etc, ok, fine, now, add to that the object of your desire, as a man the object could be a woman with vag. and the frustration with her vaginismus.
Some men will understand that their frustration is minor compared to the fact that the woman needs no pressure, but they may still want the direction of action between the couple to be direct toward HIS goal, which is getting sex. So I'm just saying that men should be careful there, especially cause sometimes there are complex issues for the woman, say sexual abuse etc, so sex shouldn't even be the focus at all for them and instead it becomes the focus.
I see. Like a simple solution to their complex problems.
Yes.And I guess frustration has to do with feeling rejected too..
Ah, now that's more to the point, well, if you feel rejected then you can try to figure that out. Like, what's the scenario, give me a picture.Oh ok, so say you are home, she's beautiful and sexy, just out of the shower, and you approach her and hope she'll be responsive but she closes herself up and moves your hands off her and you know it's because of vag. but still, don't you feel bad?
Well, I wouldn't approach her hoping for a response, I dont think I'd be doing any approach honestly speaking, I can't imagine doing that, that would be a bit odd..So you never make a first move?
Erhm.. I dont think there are 'moves', which is the point really, who wants instructions ? It's not like assembling flat pack furniture!Well, everybody wants instructions evidently, or books about sex wouldn't sell so well! :)
Yes, we want systems, but then what you have isn't real.. It's a game.I only make those 'moves' when I am 100% sure she is not going to reject me...
7. On vaginismus and the pressure to be sexual
You've read my academic paper on sexual compliance and how widespread it is and you’ve heard of stories of women who have been threatened to cure their vaginismus or who didn't feel like havin sex but who felt they had to fix it, to feel ‘normal’ or not to lose their partner etc.. So there are a lot of women out there who are actually fixing vaginismus without really wanting to. What do you think of that?
First of all, if up to 85-90% of women declare having complied sexually at least once, as those studies indicate, that means they have had to make some kind of value judgement, a choice... which to me says their freedom is compromised, they are not free...which is terrible, and obviously makes everyday human intimate relationships rather brutal...Because for sure the majority of those women will be in what are regarded as rather lovely considerate relationships and so on, and at the same time they themselves may say that, which I suppose means it all goes on.....
Interestingly too, quite a high number of men reported this compliance, which I suppose is easy to ignore since a man's sexual compliance isn't seen as a bad thing, since men arent seen to be sexual victims and so on.... and I suppose impotency is linked with all that which may be the males' route to non-compliance. A bit like vaginismus for some women..
As for those women who seek to cure vag in order to comply with common sexual practice expectations, that's awful!
Somehow I get the idea that lots of women are looking for cures to vag in order that they may comply, isn't that sad and violent?
8. On men NEEDING sex
Tell me the truth: do men need sex?
Do they really need it as in 'they would die without it'? As a race, yes. As individuals no, but obviously they would like you to think so!! :)And yet for many men it seems unconceivable to go through all their marriage without sex, and some resort to pornography or cheat or will pressure their partners to fix vag. or leave them, and they feel entitled to do all that, cause they feel deprived of something vital or something. Why?
Well, you have to ask whether people are capable of maturity or are just looking for a quick fix..Nobody asks elderly couples how they manage without sex, as if they became different people altogether, so then you have to ask, is the problem that she SHOULD be able to have sex, but can't?
IF you think she should, then cure it, go ahead..
So if you were told you'll have to do without sex forever, how would you feel?
.. Well, look, I guess I'd say "oh, that sucks a bit", but it wouldn't be a big deal.9. On men's patience and where it ends
Recently I got a similar email to this from a frustrated husband, would you care to reply to him here as if he was me?
"My wife doesn't want to start the treatment, she keeps putting it off, how do I convince her to cure this ?"
"vaginismus"
It needs a cure? Where did you learn that?"Well, our marriage has been unconsummated for 3 years now, this isn't normal. I've been very patient so far, but I'm getting tired of hoping this will ever get solved"
So your problem is impatience.I don't really think vaginismus takes any "patience" in that sense. Saying you've been patient implies that you were expecting something for what you did: a reward, a success, intercourse, whatever.. Why ?
"Because I love her and I'd like to show her my love physically too one day, and I think it would be beautiful if she only let me! She is closed and doesn't trust me. I'm just asking her to give me a chance to try making love to her. I KNOW we'd be great! But she needs to start being pro-active too, I can't fix this for her!
Yeah, lol, sorry, I have no sympathy..Next patient!
lol
Sorry, but where do you even start with such people ??! ..
I see your point. But playing devil's advocate here for a second, some women would think these men really love them and that's the reason why they get so frustrated..
I see... Well, according to standards, yes, it looks like they do and maybe they really do. But if you take away the stereotype of love that you get in the media, and ask yourself: does true love make one person more understanding and patient or more frustrated?
I don't know. I guess it's up to each woman to answer that anddecide whether she feels loved or not.. But love is a very misused word for sure..
10. On disappointment on not achieving orgasm
Some women, after treating vaginismus, complain that sex is still not pleasant or that they are not able to achieve orgasm etc. but at least they are happy cause they feel they gave their husband what he wanted. As a man, how does that make you feel?
Well, I noticed you used the word achieving. Just an example of the language of the media, therapists, drug companies... Orgasm as an achievement seems ridiculous to me, and of course it implies failure at lack of orgasm, which again is so stupid it's insane.What's next? Division of orgasm into classes: gold silver and bronze maybe...? It's just daft. You see the way language already is oppressive..
But for me, it always boils down to the importance people attatch to getting sex, perhaps because it is their only escape from themselves...I dunno...people really do seem to think it is the most important thing, above all else...
11. On being intimate without sex
Where do you get your sense of intimacy and connection with your partner, if it's not from sex?
Well, you tell me, what do you mean by 'being intimate' ? Well, to me being intimate with someone is sharing with them something you dont share with anybody else and not because you have to or because you get something out of it, but for free and because you want to.
And I feel that whenever you communicate something from deep within you, whether that's a kiss or a thought, and you are honest and present and the other person is honest and present there too, then you have intimacy. It's communicating something at a deep level and freely.. So in that respect sex is a form of communication like any other: if you two are not connected in the first place, then the sexual act is not going to give you any intimacy, and if you are already that connected, it can only be one of the many ways of showing that connection, but it won't be seen as an imperative.
But so why you think people use "intimacy" mostly as in "sexual intimacy"?
Because it sounds nicer than just sexI see.. But it is true though, that when you are sexually close to someone, making love, you feel closer to them, even if just for that brief moment.
Ok, you feel closer, FEEL...12. On seeing vaginismus as something cool
Do you think that vaginismus could actually be sending some positive messages for women?
I guess we've gone over this before, the idea that vaginismus may be a rather effective way for a woman to defy that pressure to comply!
It might be a leap too far but vag. could be a filtering mechanism too, so it could be true that vag. women have nothing 'wrong' at all, maybe their body knows way better than doctors what is better for the species!!!
Maybe vag. is like Che Guevara! a rebel! Maybe you should all be rather proud of it!!
Maybe it's a natural way for women to say go f**k yourselves to society, a strike!!
It's a dangerous idea but it feels right, you know? I guess that's why I feel vaginismus isn't a problem but the way people look at sex is...
Thank you..
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