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'Single' Women and Vaginismus
Why solve vaginismus if you are single?
For most single women, probably the reason number one why they will want to solve vaginismus is so they can start dating or get to know a new man, without the extra burden of worrying about the man's possible negative reaction to their vaginismus. Below we'll discuss more about whether it's really a problem to be dating while having vaginismus. But there are other reasons to devote some time to solving vaginismus if you are single.
First of all, health reasons:
often with vaginismus you won't be able to have (pain free) internal gynaecological visits and Pap tests, so you may want to start dilating so you can have those exams and prevent potential cancer or infectious STI's.
If that's the reason you have, we suggest you to read the guide to smooth gynecological exams and as a dilator, you could buy a speculum (online or through your doctor) and practice with it.
Another reason you may have for wanting to fix vaginismus, is to be able to wear tampons
Some women, especially doing sports at professional or semi-professional levels, may want to be free to wear tampons sometimes and often women with vaginismus will not be able to wear them or insert them without discomfort or pain. (But some can). Dilating will help you control the muscles and relax them so you can wear tampons when you like.
Just remember though: some of us were able to solve vaginismus and have intercourse too but still were not able to insert tampons. That is because some women's menstrual flow is so light that a tampon dries up the vaginal wall and hurts. So don't worry if you can't wear them despite being able to dilate and insert other things. Tampons can be quite tricky! :)
Finding motivation to Dilate when you're single
You may have reasons to dilate, but you may not feel like it. Now, some therapists or gynecologists will recommend single women to keep dilating regularly to keep their vagina ‘stretched’ and ready, as they do not have a chance of having regular intercourse .
Although this advice makes perfect sense from a strictly physical point of view, it is also encouraging women to being stressed out having on-going dilating sessions, so that whenever they meet someone new or try have intercourse after a long time, they will be ready from the start and will avoid ‘wasting’(the guy’s) time retraining their vaginas.
Basically they seem to think of the man's interest more than the women's and many women have complained that they have no motivation and yet they feel guilty for not dilating more. That's terrible of course.
Why would a single woman have to stay motivated to continue dilating in the first place...?
Basically, why would a single woman have to go through a ongoing dilating exercises for months or maybe even years, just so that one day she's ready to immediately have sex with a boy without preparations or without 'bothering' him to help her go through the process?
If and when you meet a good guy who genuinely likes you and who’s not obsessed with sex (yep, we know, very few out there, but still, they exist...) it would be just perfect for the two of you to go through the process together now that you already know what it takes to dilate, that you know where resources are, and now that you know that you are successful at it too (if you have already started the process yourself), whatever age and dilating stage you should be when you meet him.
We believe that no man who isn't happy to help you with that process would not deserve you to go through ongoing dilating sessions for months on your own, just to be ready for him and make it easy on him... Some single women believe that if they can't have intercourse, that prevents them from pursuing someone. They feel they are being dishonest and that they will lead guys on and then not be able to ‘deliver the goodies’ they made them hope for.
Well, if what these men are after is only sex, or if you’re after a one-night-stand, then of course having vaginismus will be a big obstacle to dating and yes, you will lead a guy on.
But is that the kind of guy you want to attract in your life ? Is that the kind of guy worthy of your relentless efforts ? A man who would run away or get disappointed at the thought he has to take it easy and slow with you? …
You are already fit to love and to be loved. Vaginismus is NO limitations to it, and if it is, it's not to being "loved" for sure...
There are men out there without a tin heart and who are hoping to find someone loving, understanding, gentle, affectionate, passionate about life and for whom the need to have intercourse is not on their main list of priorities when looking for a mate...
Hopefully you're not dilating just so you can have the "full package" ready for whatever boy that may come along. Nobody special would be happy to know he required you to go through years of stressful dilating for his own pleasure or ease of mind..
If you feel like occasionally dilate in order to be ready for pain free Pap tests or just to remind your vagina that she can trust you and that you will never put her through any pain and that sex doesn’t hurt, then it’s fine. You can do that once a month or once every 6 months for that matter, any time you WANT to do it, go ahead..
Sure, if you don’t dilate every other day then sex with a new partner at first may be mechanical, you will be like a virgin, quite tight and you may need him to help you dilate before sex, you may need him to go very slow the first times, there will be a lot of stopping and restarting, not super romantic, passionate movie-like sex. But if someone loves you (ie. want you to bloom and be the best you can be), then what is the big deal having to go through dilating sessions or whatever is necessary to make sex a non-stressful, painfree and pleasurable loving event ?
It's no big deal. Many men can say that. And it can be a VERY romantic process… Certainly a very loving, intimate one..
So we wish you to find someone who won't care about your sexual skills, and who won't have ANY problem going through the dilating process with you before you two decide to try intercourse.. If they are not that open-minded and loving, maybe you could help them see a bit further, you could help them make their lives better too, more meaningful, less conditioned by what others do, less obsessed by sex.
Remember: you will always be nothing but a precious gift for an open-minded, sensitive man.. Never a burden..
A partner's reflections on dating single girls with Vaginismus
I get very sad when I read how some single women with vaginismus feel hopeless and sad because they think they'll never find a boyfriend. Some even stop dating because they don't believe any man would want to be with them, knowing there'd be no sex involved or maybe because they lost relationships because of vaginismus before. They feel they'd deprive the man of something he really wants to experience or that he has a right to.. So as a partner of a woman with vaginismus, who you met knowing very well what she had, would you care to reassure them that men like you do exist?
"Right, well, honestly I don't even see the relevance of vaginismus in this situation.. I mean, these women are saying there is something missing in their life which should be filled by a man, so I'd question that for a start..They are focusing on a part of their life, hoping that if that part is fixed and works, everything else will be ok too.. That is an illusion..
And they seem to say that they aren't worth that much as people unless they have what most men seem to look for in a woman..
So I would be questioning all that rather than reassure them that there are men out there who long for a relationship with a remarkable woman, whether sex is in the picture or not...
As for saying that lack of intercourse is what broke their relationships in the past... well, a lot of times vaginismus is used as a scapegoat not to look deeper..."
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