| Home |
| For Women |
| For Practitioners |
| For Partners |
| Sex and Vaginismus |
| Vag. Central |
| Contact Us |
Transition to Intercourse
Ideally, if you reached this article, you will be at the end of your dilating journey and you will have gone through all or many of the steps in our Guide to Dilating and will be able to insert the biggest dilators of your set or something the size of an average penis (or of your partner's) without pain or discomfort.
That's usually the stage when most therapists (if not all) advice women to start trying having intercourse and we agree that trying before being able to insert the biggest dilator comfortably would be a risk we don't suggest you take.
However, especially if you have secondary vaginismus and if you feel particularly excited about trying even before having finished all the gradual insertions, then go ahead of course, follow your body's lead but just remember to STOP if it started hurting.
There's nothing worse for your vagina than putting up with pain. She'll resent you or your partner for that and sooner or later it will make you pay for it. Understandably, for you are misusing her...
So, these are some ideas to have a smooth transition to intercourse. See how your body reacts and if it hurts, stop. Golden rule. If your partner is mature, he'll handle well being told you want him to stop. If not, consider changing partner!!
Practical tips for a smooth transition to i/c
1. Make sure you are able to insert comfortably, without burning or pain, the biggest of a set of dilators or a dilator as big as your partner's penis. You may just be happy enough trying the tip of the penis first, see how you do with that, so that there's no pressure to go "all the way".
2. Dilate for some time right before intercourse (you can incorporate it in foreplay and use as a vibe as a dilator, to help you relax and get aroused) or dilate a bit during the hours before attempting it (if you are planning it, that is, which may be a bit weird).
3. Dilate right before intercourse for some minutes and then, each time you have intercourse, try and dilate a little less until you should get to a point where you no longer need to dilate beforehand. (That can take some months, so don't worry if sex doesn't feel spontaneous for a while...)
4. Find the position you're very comfortable in.
Usually women are adviced to do "woman on top" but really, if you are not comfortable with that position, then don't worry. I enjoyed side-by-side cause penetration was not too deep that way cause not all the penis enters. Others prefer to have the man on top because otherwise they feel too much pressure from being in control, their legs get tired or can't really relax or surrender. So, you feeling totally ok with your body and in your partner's arms will be much more important here than sticking to one position that someone says is best.
5. Practice Sensate Focus exercises to make sex a really gradual experience just like dilating was.
For many women, especially those with primary vaginismus, it will be hard to have sex the first time without some gradual sensual long build-up to it. Sensate Focus exercises are perfect and exciting too so we highly recommend them!
See here an article describing how Sensate Focus works.
6. Make sure there's plenty of foreplay.
This should be needless to say, because if there is love, it will be natural to take lots of time cuddling, kissing, touching each other and taking it slowly. However, make sure you are VERY aroused.
7. Use extra lube.
Since you'll be focusing on getting things right and you may be apprehensive about pain happening at some stage, it will be hard to remain wet until the end. If you are tense, your vagina will dry up very quickly, that's why we suggest you use some lube on his penis or on the condom, that usually helps a lot. Not all natural lubes are thick enough or lasting enough to make intercourse painfree, so don't feel bad about needing some help there. And your partner shouldn't feel less of a man either!
WARNING: some lubes can cause you some burning. See choice of Lubricants to find out which one is best for you.
8. Numbing creams
Numbing creams such as Lidocaine are a perscription anesthesia in the form of injection, topical gel or spray.
It contains novocaine which is the drug which can be used by a dentist too, so usually you will have to let it sit for a while before it works.
You usually place the gel at the opening (or further in) before trying sex or for the days or weeks before so that it slowly calms down the nerves there.
Remember that these gels and condoms do not get along and that numbing gels can break down the material condoms are made of.
There are two views about such creams. Some women say that they are quite useful because they can get to know that their vagina is capable of accepting a penis, even if they don't feel a thing.
For others, treating vaginismus is about resolving the pain, not mask it. So it is just counterproductive to numb the pain. There is no rush to try intercourse, so there should be no need to numb yourself in order to have it.
Also, some male partners reported it numbed their penis too, but some didn't, so that's subjective.
So see how you feel, you may want to talk about this topic in the forum or support groups and read different people's experience before deciding.
9. Don't take it too seriously!!
We don't mean you should take sex lightly given the VERY serious consequences it can have. Make sure you are protected and that you don't run any risk of getting nasty infections or an unwanted pregnancy, but once all that is covered, and you are with a man you know and love, try to remember that the outcome of tonight's experiment with intercourse won't be the be all and end all of your relationship, it won't decide its life or death, (or it SHOULDN'T anyway) nor will it mean that all your following sessions will be problematic if this one shouldn't go as planned. Basically, and ideally, you should have sex only when you know that you both won't care about the results... Less expectations and sexpectations you'll both have, and the more pleasant it will be to attempt intercourse.
10. STOP the second it gets painful!
Again, this should go without saying.. NO loving partner would want you to put up with intercourse if you found it painful (or even slightly uncomfortable!!). Sometimes though, women will put up with painful sex not to disappoint their partner or not to make him feel low, or out of fear of losing him if they "fail", but that's very sad.
Your partner's reaction, if you turned to him and uttered "stop, it hurts.." should be that of a person who cares for your well being and does not feel at all sad or rejected or dejected for the fact that he or you two are not able to enjoy sex, when you can hopefully enjoy SO many other things together...
It hurts, you stop. Simple. No big deal. The point is to enjoy each other's bodies, right? Or to show each other love, right? So what's the problem if it doesn't happen in THAT particular way?
You can keep kissing, cuddling, loving each other and it will all still be beautiful..
Enjoy the Love inside the Sex!
What we mean is... IF your partner truly loves you,
IF you love your partner to bits,
IF you enjoy each other's company during the day
IF you think the world of one another
then ReJOICE!!
You may think this is so mechanical, not natural but you may want to read what this partner thinks about sex still being natural with his partner with vag.
If you got to this stage together, it means already have something SO special, So beautiful, that even just holding hands will be as intimate as having sex and getting to the stage of intercourse will not add much intimacy to the one you already have, it will just be one more intimate moment you share, one way of understanding and loving each other as you are and one more way of being there for each other.. But not THE way.
IF that's yours and your partner's frame of mind, then the transition to intercourse will be a success, no matter what the outcome, and noone will be sad the morning after...
We hope you will understand what we are talking about...